contractual parenting
I have made a contract with my 10-year-old daughter. It’s dated and signed. We have put together terms of agreement, and a section outlining the consequences of any breach of contract.
Yesterday, I had a child who had to be physically pulled out of bed for half an hour each morning, who refused to wash her hair more than a (coerced) one time per week because she couldn’t be bothered to take the time to get in a bath, who claimed total innocence of the arcane methods of cereal preparation, who was unable to read a school timetable and comprehend the concrete (ie, what books you need for class on a Wednesday) in relation to the abstract (ie, what the timetable says you will be doing on a Wednesday). This state of affairs led to a lot of crying and screaming every day, and she wasn’t too happy about it either.
I also had a child who reckoned she’s grown-up enough to know how to take a train to school on her own, to know when to stop watching Netflix, to do all of her homework without an iota of supervision—though those who do not supervise are somehow still the first in her firing line if the homework somehow (in the passive, of course) “does not get done.”
Would you believe it, the two children described above are, in fact, the same child? I know; you didn’t see it coming. Yet here it is.
Last night I thought, you know what? Let’s concede some of those extra privileges, but let’s see if she can demonstrate some grown-up behavior in return. We’ll do it at the same time, like when one side has a hostage and the other has a bag full of unmarked bills, and they both drop them at the same time on neutral ground, and only rarely does someone get shot to death.
So we agreed the terms. I wrote them down1. We both signed2.
This morning I had a child who got up when her alarm went off (more or less), put on the clothes she had laid out last night, went downstairs and prepared her own cereal, brushed her teeth and hair (which was clean, as she had agreed in a burst of conciliatory dispute resolution to wash it last night), and picked up her bag—which she had packed last night—before heading out the door. This child, incredibly, is somehow also the same child as the one mentioned above.
My point is, of course, that the best kind of parenting is legalistic and paper-based. Try not to interact with any child on an emotional level; keep them always at a distance. To ensure all deliverables are on track, schedule a weekly stand-up meeting.
I hope this is helpful to you in your parental pursuits. If you are not a parent, feel free to pass this on to the most hapless ones you know. Maybe title it “some advice for you.” Parents especially value advice from people without children, because they know those people are truly objective.
Best wishes,
Angel
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One massive advantage of writing them down is her tendency to move the goalposts. Already this morning she was crowing that she can now use her phone without any screentime limitations whatsoever. Upon reviewing the contract, we both established that is not actually the case.
As her signature, she in fact forged my signature; she has a bright future ahead.