Thu, 12 Jan

The list is too long. I cannot manage it. I’m in the throes of task paralysis. This is not unusual and it comes in peaks and troughs; the peaks are the days when it’s the opposite, when I can do everything and more. And it’s all because I’m not capable of working sensibly¹: achieving a little each day, not worrying about what’s left for the next day. That’s because I fear that if I don’t do all that I can on the good days I will be even more behind on the bad days—and yes of course that’s just circular thinking, but I’m in the circle now, and nothing can break it except retirement or death.

The answer, of course, is to just prioritize what must get done today, and not worry about the rest. There is a problem with that idea, of course: the must-get-dones are almost always urgent but not important; what anyone should really focus on are the things that are the opposite: important but not urgent. You know, the things that we never do. The life goal stuff. The stuff we avoid doing out of fear of failure, or fear of success.

But even that concept has its own problems, too. I personally spend a lot of my time working toward goals that, if achieved, will² make me feel worthy to be in the company of people I want to impress who are firmly (and probably deliberately³) unaware of me. And I know it’s pointless, yet I still watch myself do it. I’m saying this out loud because it has been said to me that I’m a person others also watch and compare themselves to. If you’re one of those folks, please know that I really do not have my shit together. I hope today’s note puts that into perspective for you. Good luck.

1. Is anyone? I mean, I like to think not. But maybe you are?

2. In reality, of course they never will.

3. Though by saying this I’m posing myself as the main character, which is very silly.